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I suppose the best way to describe my mayor campaign marketing strategy is to share this email below and my reply to it.
Date: Thu, 29 May 2014 09:02:16 -0700
Subject: How this politician won his election with marketing
I see you’re running for office. I think I may be able to help you. My company does marketing campaigns for politicians.
Here’s what one of our clients said after we helped with his campaign:
“I not only blew out two incumbents, but got more votes than any other school candidate in the last three elections thanks to our postcards!” — Stewart Gary for School Board
We may be able to help with your campaign. We have over 13 years of marketing experience — and we know how to use it.
Are you handling the marketing for your campaign or is it someone else on your team?
I decided to reply, having no clue where it was going; it was like something just took me over me, sprouted wings, and flew.
Subject: RE: How this politician won his election with marketing
Date: Thu, 29 May 2014 17:15:54 -0400
Hi, Aubrey, thanks for writing and inquiring.
Actually, a band of angels coming after me, not in the way church people hope for, I’m not kidding here, told me to run for mayor this year, if I knew what was good for me not expressly stated but graphically understood by me, having had plenty of downside time with the band’s heavy metal and spider venom when I didn’t toe their drumbeats. Said band, historically, has been my campaign manager, and my manager in all other ways; it ain’t just me running for public office down here in “paradise”, let’s see, eight times now, that the band orchestrates me into and through and out of; they seem to want to hold my hand in just about everything short of eating and pooping, and sometimes they hold my hand then, too.
I figured you were entitled to far warning, before I asked you to suggest how you might drag me kicking and screaming into a thankless hell job only an insane person would actually want to hold, unless he/she was a crook or, well, let’s face it head-on, an ego maniac, as in megalomania in the big leagues sense of the having the whole world in his hands while the band keeps playing “Tequila” over and over again, because the needle got stuck but nobody hears the needle got stuck because they are the needle and the stuck record, or CD, but don’t know that’s what they are; brainwashed might fit in there, too, and somewhere the Devil must have a hand in it – there’s really no other way to describe politics accurately.
The absolutely diabolical thought now comes to me that, just for a change of beat, you and your candidate enhancement outfit, I suppose what we’re talking about here is akin to men taking Viagra because they can’t get it up on their own anymore, simply jump off the tilt-a-whirl and hop on the giant double ferris wheel and throw reckless abandon to the wind and use, throw, massage, jimmy all your wiles learned in the schools of whatever hard and soft knocks you have attended and left behind, graduated or not, and drum up votes for the “off the wall candidate”, that is me in this particular three ring circus, two other suspects also want the job, one, the he, has had it three terms now, the other, the she, has coveted it for some time, and see if you can pull off the miracle you want me to pay you to pull off. You do believe in miracles, don’t you?
Now before you split your sides laughing and trying to bash my irreverent, or wishing to do so, I fully admit to it, consider the impact on your political plastic surgery enhancement careers, the bejillion$$$ in as yet unimagined trea$$$ure awaiting you folks, if you indeed did have a hand in pulling off the miracle you have indicated is within your powers, and word of that gets out on, say, hmmm, the national and international news sets, imagine the viral You Tube explosion, dang, it would shut down servers as far away as Saturn’s moon Titan, imagine the hordes of ETs flocking to this pebble in the heavens to verify that such a tiny molecule, nay, a mere electron in the vast sea of electrons, which is just this small molecule in the CREATION, could produce so much static electricity as to even shut the servers down in the Pleiades, perhaps to the “greatful” (as in almost but not quite electronically-bashed dead) seven sisters, who are for a long time now, eons, simply dying to to just hear the music of the spheres again, and nothing else.
Oh, I spaced out mentioning the really snazzy part of the miracle you would get intergalactic credit for bringing off: the first person in One Nation Under God, ever, who had lived on the street, for real, not for sport, who ever got elected head lunatic of the city in which he had lived on the street, or any city on said electron, as far as he has been able to determine, although perhaps you know different, perhaps you have already achieved that miracle some place else, perhaps on the planet Klingon, or on a planet inside a black hole somewhere, and that’s why word of it has yet to reach this electron.
Meanwhile, may the Force be with you and all your dreams come true, although sometimes getting what you ask for kinda don’t turn out being the cherry pie, apple also will do, as well as peach, and key lime, especially key lime, that you had yet imagined – that line out of Alice’s Restaurant now comes to mind – “There was yet another possibility I had not yet considered”- but from your photo, those Woodstock good old Hippie Vietnam war lament protest days might be a bit before your arrival time on this electron; or maybe that’s about when you arrived here, my youngest daughter is 44, and her older sister 46, and I imagine they both would crack up splitting their sides if their crazy daddy with so many wives, past, present, future (below, also possibly considered majorettes, cheerleaders, pranksters, tricksters) got elected head lunatic of Key Far West of Weird for the next two years.
Ya’ll come own down, now, you heah!!!
Political advertisement paid for and approved by Sloan Bashinsky, for Mayor of Key West, aka “southernmost the nut house”