lipstick on a pig heaven – Key West

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Kurt Wagner

Kill em softly Kurt Wagner commented on the political campaign marketing solicitation part of yesterday’s a million ways to die in Key West post at

Kurt Wagner

I loved your answer to that marketing firm. Laughed my ass off!

I replied:

I laughed my ass off writing it. I laughed my ass off in “A Million Ways to Die in the West”, too.

Sloan with troll

What I wrote to the marketing firm was easily the most fun piece of writing I ever did in the context of my running for public office, perhaps the most fun piece of writing I ever did, period. Maybe I should have led off yesterday’s post with it, instead of placing it toward the end. Maybe it should have been all of yesterday’s post. Here it is again, for posterity. Skp over it, if you already read it, there’s plenty more pig drama below it.

Date: Thu, 29 May 2014 09:02:16 -0700
Subject: How this politician won his election with marketing

Hi Sloan,

I see you’re running for office. I think I may be able to help you. My company does marketing campaigns for politicians.

Here’s what one of our clients said after we helped with his campaign:

“I not only blew out two incumbents, but got more votes than any other school candidate in the last three elections thanks to our postcards!” — Stewart Gary for School Board

We may be able to help with your campaign. We have over 13 years of marketing experience — and we know how to use it.

Are you handling the marketing for your campaign or is it someone else on your team?


Aubrey Magnie

Aubrey Magnie
Marketing Consultant

I decided to reply, having no clue where it was going; it was like something just took me over me, sprouted wings, and flew.

Mud Dawg's guardian angel

Subject: RE: How this politician won his election with marketing
Date: Thu, 29 May 2014 17:15:54 -0400

Hi, Aubrey, thanks for writing and inquiring.

Actually, a band of angels coming after me, not in the way church people hope for, I’m not kidding here, told me to run for mayor this year, if I knew what was good for me not expressly stated but graphically understood by me, having had plenty of downside time with the band’s heavy metal and spider venom when I didn’t toe their drumbeats. Said band, historically, has been my campaign manager, and my manager in all other ways; it ain’t just me running for public office down here in “paradise”, let’s see, eight times now, that the band orchestrates me into and through and out of; they seem to want to hold my hand in just about everything short of eating and pooping, and sometimes they hold my hand then, too.

I figured you were entitled to far warning, before I asked you to suggest how you might drag me kicking and screaming into a thankless hell job only an insane person would actually want to hold, unless he/she was a crook or, well, let’s face it head-on, an ego maniac, as in megalomania in the big leagues sense of the having the whole world in his hands while the band keeps playing “Tequila” over and over again, because the needle got stuck but nobody hears the needle got stuck because they are the needle and the stuck record, or CD, but don’t know that’s what they are; brainwashed might fit in there, too, and somewhere the Devil must have a hand in it – there’s really no other way to describe politics accurately.

The absolutely diabolical thought now comes to me that, just for a change of beat, you and your candidate enhancement outfit, I suppose what we’re talking about here is akin to men taking Viagra because they can’t get it up on their own anymore, simply jump off the tilt-a-whirl and hop on the giant double ferris wheel and throw reckless abandon to the wind and use, throw, massage, jimmy all your wiles learned in the schools of whatever hard and soft knocks you have attended and left behind, graduated or not, and drum up votes for the “off the wall candidate”, that is me in this particular three ring circus, two other suspects also want the job, one, the he, has had it three terms now, the other, the she, has coveted it for some time, and see if you can pull off the miracle you want me to pay you to pull off. You do believe in miracles, don’t you?

Now before you split your sides laughing and trying to bash my irreverent, or wishing to do so, I fully admit to it, consider the impact on your political plastic surgery enhancement careers, the bejillion$$$ in as yet unimagined trea$$$ure awaiting you folks, if you indeed did have a hand in pulling off the miracle you have indicated is within your powers, and word of that gets out on, say, hmmm, the national and international news sets, imagine the viral You Tube explosion, dang, it would shut down servers as far away as Saturn’s moon Titan, imagine the hordes of ETs flocking to this pebble in the heavens to verify that such a tiny molecule, nay, a mere electron in the vast sea of electrons, which is just this small molecule in the CREATION, could produce so much static electricity as to even shut the servers down in the Pleiades, perhaps to the “greatful” (as in almost but not quite electronically-bashed dead) seven sisters, who are for a long time now, eons, simply dying to to just hear the music of the spheres again, and nothing else.

Oh, I spaced out mentioning the really snazzy part of the miracle you would get intergalactic credit for bringing off: the first person in One Nation Under God, ever, who had lived on the street, for real, not for sport, who ever got elected head lunatic of the city in which he had lived on the street, or any city on said electron, as far as he has been able to determine, although perhaps you know different, perhaps you have already achieved that miracle some place else, perhaps on the planet Klingon, or on a planet inside a black hole somewhere, and that’s why word of it has yet to reach this electron.

Meanwhile, may the Force be with you and all your dreams come true, although sometimes getting what you ask for kinda don’t turn out being the cherry pie, apple also will do, as well as peach, and key lime, especially key lime, that you had yet imagined – that line out of Alice’s Restaurant now comes to mind – “There was yet another possibility I had not yet considered”- but from your photo, those Woodstock good old Hippie Vietnam war lament protest days might be a bit before your arrival time on this electron; or maybe that’s about when you arrived here, my youngest daughter is 44, and her older sister 46, and I imagine they both would crack up splitting their sides if their crazy daddy with so many wives, past, present, future (attached, also possibly considered majorettes, cheerleaders, pranksters, tricksters) got elected head lunatic of Key Far West of Weird for the next two years.

Ya’ll come own down, now, you heah!!!


Attached were a whole heap of soul (shaman) drawings in the feminine persuasion, which get featured from time to time in my ravings, a posse of them were included at the end of yesterday’s post.

Otherwise, yesterday was just another day in the city, starting with

Matthew Murphy

Matthew Murphy

Key West the Newspaper’s – – newest article on the tasing of Matthew Murphy three years ago on Duval Street, which caused brain damage and left him paralyzed and still in a hospital. The article garnered considerable reader input and blue paper editorial response. One reader identified himself as a retired police officer, his comments were enlightening. Here’s a link to the article:

Who Is Responsible? Father Tased By Key West Police Suffered Catastrophic Brain Injury

While that was happening yesterday,

Charles Eimers CBS

Charles Eimers, R.I.P.

the Citizen – – was rummaging in another city sewer main, evidenced by the article below. To date, the Citizen has yet to give Key West the Newspaper credit for breaking the Charles Eimers story,

Charles Eimer's take down

blue paper editorial cartoon

without which break, there would have been so Charles Eimers  story for the Citizen to cover, no wrongful death lawsuit for the Horan law firm to file in federal court, and nothing for CBS to report on its morning TV news show.

Eimers coverup

Saturday, May 31, 2014 Add to FacebookAdd to Twitter
Family: Cops stood by as man was killed
Lawyers file 2 responses to city’s recent motion to dismiss
BY GWEN FILOSA Citizen Staff

Six Key West police officers did nothing as they watched their fellow officers allegedly kill Charles Eimers on a beach last fall, attorneys for the Eimers family said in a new court filing Friday.

In two separate responses to the city’s recent motion to dismiss the federal lawsuit, filed April 11, four law firms led by Key West attorneys David Paul Horan and Darren Horan make their most scathing accusations yet.

“There was a veritable mob of police officers who participated in, or stood idly by and watched the commission of gang-like extreme, excessive and gratuitous violence against Charles Eimers while he lay face down in soft beach sand, killing the 61-year-old,” attorneys wrote.

Eimers died six days after the Thanksgiving clash with Key West police that sent him to Lower Keys Medical Center. He remained unconscious in a hospital bed until his family asked doctors to remove him from a ventilator.

Eimers died on the beach. He was not breathing. That is dead. His body later was revived and kept going by life support methods and machines. Eimers, however, did not revive, and because he did not revive, the cops were forced to notify his family, because state law required their approval for his body to be taken off of life support, which they did not even know he was on, because the KWPD, the hospital, nobody, had contacted them about what was going on.

A cause of death hasn’t been released as the in-custody death remains under investigation by the Florida Department of Law Enforcement.

The Citizen recently reported the Monroe County Medical Examiner was quitting and taking a teaching job on the mainland. The Citizen did not report that was the Medical Examiner in the Charles Eimers case. No way for me not to think the Eimers case is the reason for the Medical Examiner leaving. Instead of sending Eimers’ body to the Medical Examiner, the cops sent the body to a local mortuary, for the body to be cremated. For reasons I only can ascribe to Divine Intervention, the body was not cremated and eventually was sent to the Medical Examiner. By then, Eimers had been dead ten days? The body was not in good shape for an autopsy. Tissue samples taken from the body by the hospital had been thrown away, according to the blue paper. If the Medical Examiner ruled death by asphyxiation, maybe his home would get firebombed by police, or by police sympathizers. If the Medical Examiner ruled cause of death inconclusive due to not getting the body soon enough for proper forensic examination, then the Medical Examiner might never hear the end of it in his professional and social circles, and in Citizen’s Comments in the Citizen, the blue paper and local blogs. Yeah, in the Medical Examiner’s shoes, I’d be delighted to get out of Key West before the sewer hits the fan. It would be a great career move. Although, I have heard stories of people moving away to save their hides, and the long arm of Bubba Conch Justice found them anyway.

But attorneys for the Eimers family say fatal wounds were inflicted on the Michigan retiree during the Nov. 28 incident on South Beach.

Fatal, to the extent Eimers died on the beach by stopping breathing.

Eimers’ arrest followed a traffic stop on North Roosevelt Boulevard, where police say Eimers made an illegal lane change and took off during the stop.

Maybe some day that will be gotten to the bottom of. Maybe Eimers was high on something; maybe the cop didn’t tell exactly what happened; it doesn’t make sense for someone just to leave like that, with the cop still having someone’s drivers license. Getting a new drivers license is a pain in the butt, especially in a state where the drivers license was not issued.

Eimers led police on a slow-speed chase through Bahama Village until he ran out of road on Duval Street, stopping his P.T. Cruiser on the sand of South Beach, reports state.

There, Eimers dropped to his knees and went facedown on the sand. Eventually, he was handcuffed and put in a leg restraint until officers said they noticed he had turned blue. They released him and began life-saving measures while paramedics were called, according to reports.

The city claims five of the 13 officers named in the suit weren’t involved enough in the arrest to warrant a “claim for relief” that they deprived Eimers of any constitutional rights.

But in the new court filings, the Horans say six officers observed “… a slew of alarming acts of violence by their fellow officers on a heavy-set, 61-year-old man who obeyed all commands during his arrest.”

Seven officers handled Eimers at some point during the arrest, the Horans say, even though witnesses and a video recording attest that Eimers surrendered from the start.

Attest? The video showed for a fact that Eimers surrendered on the beach. The video smuggled to the blue paper by a bystander who shot the video on a cell phone. Smuggled to the blue paper, not to the Citizen, not to the State Attorney, not to the KWPD – maybe the smuggler thought that just might be the demise of the video.

“The slaying began with [Officer] Henry Del Valle’s command, made with his service weapon drawn, for Mr. Eimers to drop to his stomach on the sand and put his hands to his side to allow one of the [officers] to handcuff him,” the attorneys wrote.

The slaying ended shortly afterward, when Eimers stopped breathing. What happened after that was the slaying of the evidence by KWPD.

Eimers was face down on the beach after dropping to his knees with his hands up, a video recording by a bystander shows.

Within moments, at least four officers were hovering over him. During that time, Officer Gabriel Garrido moved in to handcuff Eimers. But Garrido snapped the shackle on so tightly that he caught his own finger in the metal, letting out a cry of pain, the attorneys wrote.

“Charles Eimers’ wrists were chewed up, totally lacerated and bloodied from the ordeal,” the attorneys wrote.

The Horans say Officer Gary Lee Lovette kneeled on Eimers’ back, placed a stun gun on his neck and screamed at the man.

“Then, Lovette slammed his elbow into the back of Mr. Eimers’ head to daze him and keep his face in the sand,” the attorneys wrote. “The blow indeed rendered Mr. Eimers unconscious or immobile and helped keep [his] face in the sand.”

The city wants a federal judge to toss the lawsuit, citing the police officers’ right to qualified immunity when it comes to such claims.

Even if there was a constitutional breach by the officers, attorney Michael Burke says, it was part of their scope of work.

Yep, killing an unarmed suspected homeless man, who surrenders and lies face down on a beach, is part of the KWPD’s scope of work – finally, somebody representing the city came out and said it.

Police Chief Donie Lee has cited Florida law that prevents him from commenting on the investigation into Eimers’ death. The city hasn’t addressed the specific allegations lodged against the officers.

The Horan law firm and its associate law firms will help the city address the specific allegations against the officers, since the city has zero interest in doing it. Once again, the city is going “by the book” – the Bubba Justice book: A Million Ways to Die in Key West

Here is a letter from this week’s blue paper, written by a retired nurse who used to live in Key West:

A Response to The CBS Report On The In-Custody Death of Charles Eimers

I watched the CBS report from beginning to end. It never made clear what was done to Mr. Eimers. The video which has always been very clear in The Blue Paper was too dark on the CBS report to see Mr. Eimers getting out of his car and getting on his knees with his hands up in surrender. The report never showed that at that point, he should have been cuffed and placed into the police car, since he was not resisting arrest. The report never clearly showed all the police officers on top of him or told about the sand in his nose and mouth which asphyxiated him. The report was not clear that paramedics were told by police that they, the police, found the patient on the ground in cardiac arrest and gave him CPR, instead of being told the truth that multiple police officers were on top of him grinding him into the sand, causing the cardiac arrest from his being asphyxiated, because he first suffered respiratory arrest from having his two airways, his nose and his mouth blocked with sand from being pounded into the sand by the enormous weight from those multiple officers. If one can’t breathe, one goes into respiratory arrest and if this continues, one’s blood will stop circulating and then one goes into cardiac arrest. The CBS report never interviewed eye witnesses. They never mentioned the female officer yelling to the other officers that they were murdering Mr. Eimers. They never interviewed the medical examiner who performed the autopsy that almost didn’t happen because of the lies told to medical personnel. They only showed the interview with Mr. Eimers’ son and Chief Donie Lee, which would have been fine had they also interviewed eye witnesses and not darkened the video which clearly told the real truth.

When any officer of the law or multiple officers of the law throw a suspect, who has his hands up in surrender, to the ground and jump on him and start beating him and using the taser on him, that should no longer be considered police work; it should be considered assault and battery and assault with a deadly weapon. One does not have to be an attorney of law to know this, yet police officers are getting away with doing it all over the country, with few exceptions. Surrender is surrender and clearly, the video shows Charles Eimers on his knees with his hands up in surrender mode. What happened next should never have happened in the United States of America, and no one, officer of the law or layman, has to wait until the end of an “investigation” to know that.

Peggy Butler

West Palm Beach, FL

Here is a link to the most recent blue paper article on the Eimers case; the article contains links to the bystander’s video and all prior blue paper articles on the case:


I wonder what next KWPD blockbuster the blue paper will break? It just now comes to me that maybe the city should privatize its police department. Maybe that’s the only way to try to fix the problem, which is the KWPD, which a bit higher up the food chain is the mayor and the city commissioners, which a bit higher up the food chain is the city voters.

Anyone who actually wants to be mayor of Key West indeed is insane, a crook, or an ego-maniac.

Meanwhile, this was on‘s Coconut Telegraph praise and moan blog day before yesterday:

Edward Snowden

“I watched the Eric Snowden interview last night and was impress with his patriotism. He’ s giving up the life he knew for his country after seeing how our security apparatus was violating the Constitution on a “massive scale”. He said when he tried to go through proper channels, as Secretary of State Kerry suggested, he was rebuffed and told to stop asking questions. I’d like those who think he’s a traitor to watch the interview and then form their opinion. Link

I submitted this reply:

“Were I President Obama, on learning what Eric Snowden had done and his stated reasons for doing it, I would have convened a media conference and told the journalists to broadcast in any and all ways at their disposal that I will conditionally pardon Snowden, if he comes back to the States and works for me, as my watchdog snoop over NSA, FBI and CIA. He will be paid the same salary and benefits he received when he worked for NSA. He will work directly for me for so long as I am US President, and upon my leaving office his pardon will become permanent.”

Maybe I should have added that I probably would be bumped off before Snowden could take me up on my offer.

Ciao mein,

Sloan at HH

Sloan Bashinsky

Political advertisement paid for and approved by Sloan Bashinsky, for Mayor of Key West

About Sloan

Darn, that would take a while. Try the autobiographical pages in the header. Ditto for header menu pages at Hatched and raised there, eventually I ran away from home. Here's a short list: Born 1942; male; spoken for; accused of all sorts of imaginable and unimaginable things, perhaps some true. Live on Key West of Weird asteroid. Publish something most days at, been at that since July 2007. That's heaps of catch-up reading, probably not recommended.
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